Question & Answer #2

Q: Dear Sir or Madame,

What exactly does a sandwich need to consist of in order to be considered a sandwich? Is an open-faced sandwich truly a sandwich?

Sincerely,
Pained by Paninis



A: You are a brave man Pained. The sandwich is a true enigma, so much so that the average person wouldn't dare ask this question. Searching for clarity only raises more questions, but that is why I'm here. Let's dive in.

The second part of your question will help us figure out what we need to focus on. The open-faced variety was regarded by your grandfather to be a sandwich. It originated in the late 1940s during a period of heavy “sammich” experimentation. For example, an open-faced roast beef sandwich is an entree, is yummy, and has a slice of bread, which most people relate to sandwiches. But most dictionaries claim a sandwich must consist of two or more pieces of bread. Putting food between two pieces of bread certainly does make a sandwich. But the open-faced sandwich, which is considered a sandwich by many, opens up a big can of worms.

I would agree this is a sandwich. The roast beef is sandwiched between a slice of bread and either gravy or mashed potatoes. I feel the act of sandwiching something between two elements is integral. Scandanvians believe a piece of bread with one topping comprises a sandwich. They're wrong. Nothing is sandwiched. By their definition, a chip with salsa on it could be a sandwich. It makes no logical sense. It's yet another reason why me and Scandanavians don't get along.

But this raises the question of whether merely sandwiching something makes the whole a sandwich. If I wear two layers of shirts, are we a sandwich? Putting three elements together indeed sandwiches the middle item, but must a sandwich be edible? Sandwich Theorists have been debating this for decades with little to show for it. And unfortunately I don't have an answer either.

I haven't eaten a "sandwich" in years because of the paradox of the sandwich being sandwiched by my teeth. While I eat the sandwich, have I become a part of it? Brains have exploded trying to answer this. Cracking the sandwich code will bring forth a new age of enlightenment and will not likely happen in our lifetime. Because within it lies the secret of life, and I don't think our mortal minds can handle its power.

I know I haven't answered your question Pained, but I hope I've shed some light on this mystical entity we take for granted.

Keep writing in, folks. Your complex questions deserve my convoluted answers. You can email us at betterchatter@gmail.com

Question & Answer #1

Q: There seems to be some serious confusion around this whole "wee-wee" thing. Is it a penis, a vagina, the act of urinating, or urine itself?

-ZM, San Francisco


A: Good question ZM. Webster's Unabridged Dictionary defines wee-wee as:

1. The liquid that comes out one's pee-hole.
2. To expel liquid from one's pee-hole.
3. Slang term for a penis. And to weirdoes, a vagina.

The simple answer would be "all of the aforementioned interpretations". But you deserve more, dear reader. We must ask, where does "wee-wee" come from? We must know its origins in order to use "wee-wee" comfortably and confidently. Unfortunately, historians cannot agree on how "wee-wee" came about. The most widely-recognized story comes from 16th-century England.

There was a farmer in what is modern day Lancashire who tended to pigs in the hot summer months. As you are aware, pigs are filthy, disgusting creatures. They are, however, tasty as all get-out. So in order to keep them edible, the farmer cleaned up after dozens of these dirty animals every day. He scrubbed the slop off their skin, shoveled the endless piles of pig-plop, and washed away the expansive pools of urine inside the sty. There was so much urine in fact, the farmer couldn't walk without stepping in smelly yellow liquid. His frustration built to the point where he bordered on dementia. To mock the animals he both loathed and depended on, the farmer began squealing just like them in hopes they would feel ashamed of what they did. He made "weee" noises every time a pig made a mess, even when it wasn't urine. But because urine was the most common filth, his family, and eventually other hog farmers, started referring to the urine as "wee-wee". Over centuries, the squealing was slowly dropped and the word was softened to the form we know and love today. It is now adored by two-thirds of the world's population and shows up in 83 different languages.

I hope that answers your question ZM. If you want more information on the origins of "wee-wee", check out Francois LeBeaux's urination celebration Wee-wee? Oui, oui! The book doesn't get everything right, but does give an interesting French perspective.

Keep writing in, readers. Your Q's demand my A's.