Pencils Down

Hand in your sheets at the front of the class. There will be no essay portion, but this quiz will weigh heavily on your final grades. The answers are posted below. Good luck and welcome back to school.


1. couchant- adj. [kou-chuh nt]
def: Lying down; Crouching.

2. galumph- v. [guh-luhmf]
def: To move along heavily and clumsily.

3. pasquinade- n. [pas-kwuh-neyd]
def: A satire or lampoon, esp. one posted in a public place.

4. otiose- adj. [oh-shee-ohs]
def: Superfluous or useless.

5. coxcomb- n. [koks-kohm]
def: A conceited, foolish dandy; A pretentious fop.

6. thaumaturgy- n. [thaw-muh-tur-jee]
def: The performing of miracles or magic.

7. animadversion- n. [an-uh-mad-vur-zhuh n]
def: Strong criticism.

8. frowzy- adj. [frou-zee]
def: Dirty and untidy.

9. pap- n. [pap]
def: Material lacking real substance or value.

10. raillery- n. [rey-luh-ree]
def: Good-humored ridicule; Banter.

Test Your Lexical Command

There are busy days and there are days like today. My brain was primed and ready to create, but with virtually nothing to do, I settled for thumbing through my pocket thesaurus for a while. Overall, Miriam-Webster’s Pocket Thesaurus is greatly lacking, but I did find some nice words to satiate my intellectual hunger. And what better way to share this knowledge than to give an old-fashioned vocab quiz.

So get out some college rule notebook paper, I’ll give you the words today and the definitions tomorrow. See how many you can get (I would have gotten 0 out of 10), don’t cheat off your neighbor’s test, and make sure to use a #2 pencil.

You may begin.


1. couchant

2. galumph

3. pasquinade

4. otiose

5. coxcomb

6. thaumaturgy

7. animadversion

8. frowzy

9. pap

10. raillery

The John Hodgman Reading Experience

After reading this McSweeneys piece yesterday (I know, enough with that site!) I was reminded of the time I saw John Hodgman speak, a.k.a. my all-time favorite book reading.

In general, I'm not a huge fan of readings. I don't especially care about meeting an author or finding out what they're like, and I don't harbor any pretensions that I'm going to get some clues about how their mind works. Plus, most of the time these authors aren't exactly the most socially-gifted people in the world, and seeing them in person can actually turn you off from the experience of reading them. I still haven't been able to read Marisha Pessl's "Special Topics in Calamity Physics" after her dry, uninspired reading at a bar in the East Village.

Although there are definitely exceptions, they usually seem qualified in some way. I've really enjoyed the two times I've seen Jennifer Egan speak, but I can't shake the feeling that it may have more to do with the searing crush I developed on her than any particular reading talent on her part (though, of course, she's an amazing writer regardless ) .


I liked hearing Chris Abani speak as well, but what I remember from that reading was not so much the story as it was the bizarre explanation that he wrote what may be the "great transvestite novel" weekday mornings in a Starbucks in Southern California. I also liked Sean Wilsey, but, while he was indeed funny and engaging, what was most memorable was his (very loud) use of the word "motherfucker" during a crowded reading in a Park Slope Barnes & Noble.

Back to John Hodgman.


The one thing he has that so few authors do is a true performative element to his reading. When I saw him tour for the paperback version of "The Areas of My Expertise," the reading featured guitar-playing (along with a theme-appropriate song), a tape deck, consistently funny stories that weren't just rehashed version from the book, and a free gift of "hobo chalk" for the members of the audience!

The highlight of the night came near the end, when he said that he would take some questions from the audience. Due to the "extreme discomfort" caused by this "level of intimacy," Hodgman distributed walkie-talkies to the audience so that they could ask their questions through it and provide a buffer. Of course, they ended up being cheap, ineffective walkie-talkies and while audience members tried to get them to work, everyone else was screaming with laughter at the absurd premise combined with Hodgman's laconic responses: "Are you holding the button down?" "Try holding it up to your mouth." And so on.

Anyway, by taking the time to make his reading something more than it needed to be, Hodgman created an amazing environment and probably sold a lot more copies, too. A year later, I still talk about that reading all the time and definitely still recommend that book to my friends.

So, that's my favorite reading. Anyone else have an especially memorable reading that stuck with them?

Novak Djokovic and the U.S. Open

I've got a new favorite tennis player: Novak Djokovic

Beyond the fact that he's already on the verge of being a fantastic player (he got to at least the semis of the French Open, the US Open, and Wimbledon), he has one characteristic that about seven people in all of sports have: he's funny. Actually funny. Check out this transcript from the press conference after his loss in the finals to Roger Feder.

In addition, he's been known to do some impressions of the other players on the tour, and they're both funny and actually pretty accurate:




It's so much easier to justify being a sports fan when the sports you follow have a Charles Barkley or a Gilbert Arenas or, it now appears, a Novak Djokovic around to add a little personality.

In addition, there are so many interesting players in tennis right now (at least on the men's side), that the lack of a dominant American player just doesn't hold weight as a reason not to follow the sport. At least watch it for the unsurpassed genius of Roger Federer! Or the defensive brilliance of Rafael Nadal! Or even the exquisite one-trick-ponyness of Andy Roddick and his serve!

(Uh oh, do I sound like an American soccer fan right now?)

"There Will Be Blood"

This is undoubtedly the lamest entry Better Chatter has posted, but this promotional trailer for P.T. Anderson's new film has me counting down the days until its limited release in December. All I need to mention is that Daniel Day-Lewis(!) plays a turn-of-the-century Texas oil prospector in a story about family, greed, and religion. Let the anticipation begin.

The Best of McSweeney's

On and off the last few years I've been a steady reader of the McSweeney's daily website, the offshoot of the literary magazine started by Dave Eggers and friends. Although I don't keep up with it to the extent I used to (too many misses these days, it seems, though maybe I'm just getting left behind?), I have accumulated so many favorites over the years that I decided to put together a top ten list.

So, what follows is my completely biased and sentimental look at The Best of McSweeney's Internet Tendency:

10. Thirteen Writing Prompts
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/5/4wiencek.html
A much loved piece, eventually inspired a contest in which people tried their hands at some of the, uh, challenging prompts within this article.

9. An Aging Kelis Reflects...
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/kelis.html
My favorite "Short, Imagined Monologue." This one is a little dated now, I admit, but who didn't love (or love to hate?) the "Milkshake Song."

8. Marvin Gaye Explains What he Heard Through the Grapevine
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/3/28moe.html
Part of a series that John Moe does where he "deconstructs" the lyrics to famous songs. This one is both silly and, somehow, kind of terrifying.

7. Winnie the Pooh is My Coworker
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2004/8/11moe.html
I think the title really says it all with this one.

6. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous than You
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2003/08/25guide.html
Michael Ian Black gives extremely helpful advice on how to approach famous people. One important tip: give money.

5. People Whose Names are Anagrams of My Own-Shane Patrick Ryan- Hold a Town Meeting
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/8/10ryan.html
An inspired piece, which I find all the more impressive because of my personal difficulty with anagrams. This must have taken weeks to write.

4. Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problem With Paper #7
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/paper/paper7.html
The best of Kennedy's "Paper Advice" columns-Nobody does the voice of the "depressed, solipsistic, aging male" archetype better these days.

3. History's Great Persons Reconsidered
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2001/01/09carvell.html#fitzgerald
It is a real shame that Tim Carvell doesn't do these anymore. Back in the early days of McSweeneys, you could always count on this column and John Hodgman's "Ask a Former Professional Literary Agent" for a laugh. This column finally asks the question historians have been too scared to: "What If Elvis Presley had lobster-like claws for hands?"

2. Current Releases
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/6/28kimball.html
I really don't know how to describe this article or explain why I find it so deeply funny. Does anyone even remember the Vaughn/Travolta movie "Domestic Disturbance" anymore? Regardless, I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes the first time I read this.

1. Truly Groundbreaking Advertising Ideas
http://www.mcsweeney.net/200/12/22kennedy.html
This piece, also written by Dan Kennedy, does absolutely everything you could hope for in a short comedy piece: It starts off funny, remains funny, and never lets up.

So, that's my list. Although there has got to be at least 15-20 more that could be included, these are the ones that I'll still go back to reread years later.

Are there any that I'm forgetting? Does anyone else have a favorite McSweeney's piece that merits inclusion?

Sneaking Up On Autumn

Oh no, Labor Day is over. It’s back to work or school or whatever it is that makes you miss relaxation. But don’t forget, the weather is still fantastic, restaurant patios are still open, and the hardcore Autumn drinking hasn’t even arrived yet. There’s less than a month of summer left, and that means all the excitement and nostalgia of cooler weather is getting close.

I’m generally a big poo-poo’er of any months not involving warm, sunny weather (growing up in Michigan left me bitter as a November wind), but I’ve decided this is my year to give the cold months a second chance. They shouldn’t be neglected or mistreated simply because I can’t go swimming, wear t-shirts and shorts, or tan my body from an unhealthy pastiness to a robust pale. Fall has much to offer and I’m eager to take advantage of it.

In no particular order, here are a few things we should all be looking forward to:

-High-Quality Movies:
There have been some good ones this summer, but the meatier ones are still to come. Most notably: Wes Anderson’s The Darjeeling Limited and the Coen brothers’ No Country for Old Men. I can already smell the popcorn.

-Them Funny-Colored Leaves:
Having lived in Atlanta for over two years, I haven’t experienced the great northern display of foliage in quite a while. The only thing that makes their breathtaking reds and oranges more glorious is knowing I don’t have to rake them up.

-Football:
I know a lot of people can’t stand it, even I missed all of last year’s NFL season, but it is the one sport most Americans are still passionate about. A sports bar on a Sunday afternoon will display both the best and worst things die-hard fans have to offer.

-An End To Being Sweaty:
I’ll take 90° over 50° any day, but a thirty-block walk will make even myself long for a few clouds and a nice breeze. Goodbye t-shirts, hello light sweaters.

-Delicious Beers:
When that cool air does start creeping in, a vibrant Octoberfest will seduce you into staying for one more beer on a chilly night. All the fruity summer stuff is phased out while the richer, hoppier brews make drinking the cold away that much more fun.

-Halloween:
The greatest holiday. No, we don’t get candy like when we were kids, but as adults we can go to parties the weekend before as well as the night of. Costumes can be elaborate, intelligent, creepy, or head-scratchingly ridiculous. Some of the childhood innocence is gone, but that leaves more room for true spookiness.