The Different Kinds of Summer Movies

Action:

Aging star comes back for quad-quel.

• Usually featuring a convoluted (and irrelevant) “techno-plot” of some sort to keep the action moving.
• Always, always must feature prominently some variation on the line: “I’m getting too old for this shit!”
• Uses character’s famous catchphrase in final seconds (which gets partially bleeped out because the quad-quel is a more family-friendly PG-13).

95 minute, 250 million Michael Bay movie

• Destined to be the “little indie that could.”
• Usually a period piece, generally featuring Kenneth Branagh and/or Emma Thompson.
• The beautiful story and long, languid shots make this a hit with the older crowd, less so with the younger set.

Racially mixed tag team duo

• Comic hijinks ensue when two very different cultures meet!
• Only by working together can they stop the megabomb that threatens to destroy the planet earth!
• Sure, it’s just an action movie, but maybe we can learn a little something about our common similarities along the way?

Comedy (two categories):

Raunchy adult sex comedy

• Features shlubby lead male and superfoxy female inexplicably getting together.
• Usually featuring music by James Brown (or somebody less funky that the producers can afford) to add a little bit of “zest” to the movie.
• Pretensions of heartfelt romantic sincerity. Usually strongest when the unlikely couple put aside their differences and get together for good (usually by a waterfall or volcano or some other especially scenic backdrop).
• Pretending to be "pro" whatever they're making fun of. (The Farrelly Brothers were the masters of this: nothing beats Shallow Hal, 90 minutes of fat jokes masquerading as a “pro-body image” comedy.)

Raunchy teen sex comedy

• Features shlubby lead male and superfoxy female inexplicably getting together.
• All the teenagers in the film (excepting the cool kids and bullies) must speak like particularly intelligent and cultured 29 year olds.
• Takes place in the suburbs, and always at the end of the school year or during summertime.
• Nudity. Lots of it. The more the better.
  

Drama:

There are no dramas in the summertime.