Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Shave

Sunday night, after about 9 months of giving my first real beard a try, I finally gave up and shaved it off. I encountered four basic problems with my beard that I could never totally get over:

1. Never full enough. Somehow, even if I didn't touch my beard with a pair of scissors or a trimmer for a month or two, it would still look kind of rough and patchy, never the cool, "I'm too busy to shave" look I was attempting to cultivate. There really is a fine line, too fine for my tastes, between "quirky and unkempt" and "homeless."

2. The mustache-beard connection. I could never quite get that dead zone between my beard and mustache to connect in a satisfactory way. This is really the litmus test for a beard. If you can't connect that area by the corner of your lips, it probably isn't going to work for you.

3. Beard came in red. What the hell? Of all the problems, I'm most befuddled by this. Very unexpected considering there really isn't a hint of red in my hair. Not the worst thing in the world, of course, but not exactly cool either. Of all the ways that one can be like George Bernard Shaw, this is probably the least fun.

4. Beard Envy. The biggest reason of all. My friend Steve has an immaculate and full Hebrew beard. Another good friend often sports a imposing scholarly beard. Still another has a very fine hipster beard when he wants to. What niche am I filling with mine? Its not so much the "not being the best" that bothers me so much as the "their beards make mine look like shit" aspect.

So, not being willing to go completely without facial hair, I've got to go in another direction.

Mutton Chops? Nah. Chin Curtain? Close, but not quite. Handlebar and Chin Puff? Eventually, eventually.

Wait, what's that you say? How about 90210-era Jason Priestley sideburns? Bingo! Josh's old stand-by. Never fails, never will. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be down at the Peach Pit, trying to get used to my new face.


Anonymous said...

I rock the homer simpson immediate 5o'clock shadow, soon my hair will rock the dale gribble.

Brandon said...

One day Steve will write his memoirs and title them "Life After the Beard: No, I am Not Hebrew." I will have him autograph my copy and then I will read it with great interest as he is a mysterious man indeed.

Josh said...

Until I get a close look at that family tree, I'm reserving judgement on Steve's gentile/non-gentile status.

Steve said...

Noooo! I am on a hunger strike until you grow it back. Speaking of which, do they serve key lime pie at the peach pit?

Josh said...

Key-lime pie? uh-uh, sorry. We adhere to the "only jerks eat key-lime pie" credo here at the 'Pit.

Anonymous said...

Please amend this post to reflect your views on beards composed entirely of bees.

I suspect this might be an attractive option.

Anonymous said...

Did you try oiling your beard? Or waxing it? There are many remedies for a lackluster beard. Shoe polish could have handily covered the unsightly ruddy hue, for example. I suspect you didn't give this beard a chance.

There are now, thanks to the miracles of modern techonological witchery, a variety of pomades, ointments, and unguents to choose from. Ask around. Your local pirate captain is a great resource for this kind of pracical advice.

Anonymous said...

you're not even a quarter as beardly as you once were. I feel like i don't even know you anymore.

The feeling is, i assume, reciprocal. So i sign my comment anonymous.

Anonymous said...

I hope you saved the shavins.
Glue is your best friend in this situation. Apply posthaste!

Anonymous said...

I, for one, am glad you got rid of that devilish masque.

BEARDIES: you need to ask yourself two questions.

Q. What are you hiding?
(a. lack of soul/hideous wormhole in side of face)
Q. What are you hiding from?
(a. intimacy/the law)

Way to liberate your one true visage, Joshua! You're an upstanding young man and a model to other youth. In Brooklyn. NYC. Where you live. Can we discuss that for a while? on your blog?

Anonymous said...

although even i must admit that BeeBeard idea is intriguing!

Josh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

Six new responses, where to start?

1. Yes, although I am allergic and would be killed by a beard of bees, the aesthetic joy they would bring in my final minutes makes it worth it.

2. Never tried the oiling or waxing approach. Part of my attempt to eschew vanity, which, I've come to realize, is its own form of vanity.

3. The feeling is mutual. I recognize no one anymore. Without my beard, I reflect too much light and thus cannot be seen my human eyes. The blinding glare also prevents me from seeing anyone.

4. I did save them, but they have already been donated to a variety of cancer clinics in the area.

5. Thanks for the support, anonymous! The comment page is as good a place as any to discuss the world's facial hair issues.

6. Yeah, once I get my hand on some bees, its on.

guess who said...