Friday, May 30, 2008

Our Nation Is Crumbling

I can't help but think NYC is falling apart. A crane on East 91 St collapsed this morning, becoming the second construction incident like this in the last two months. The Times noted the first collapse prompted "an extensive review of the safety of the city's cranes." I guess with all that reviewing they never got around to fixing the problem. The bridge collapse in Minneapolis, last summer's NYC steam pipe explosion, and the demolished New Orleans levees indicate America's aging infrastructure has developed osteoporosis.

Something needs to change. Unfortunately our flailing economy, futile stimulus package, and love of blowing things up are all drawing our attention away from this problem. Here's what I propose we do to get our infrastructure back on track:

-Instead of one gigantic crane, use 10-12 big cranes.

-Put riddle-telling trolls under all major bridges. Will spice up commutes and deter stupid, bridge-destroying drivers.

-Use aqueducts instead of underground pipes. We'll be able to see damage without digging anything up, plus they'll make beautiful ruins once everything around them collapses.

-Build roads out of diamonds. Nature's strongest mineral will not only last, but will be nice to have around once the dollar is worthless.

-All buildings taller than three stories must be made of marshmallow. Will soften the impact of falling cranes and serve as an emergency reserve for s'mores.

-Institute a you-break-it-you-buy-it policy for all damaged structures. Make that school bus full of kids pay for the Minneapolis bridge they destroyed, NOT the taxpayers.

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