Monday, March 10, 2008
To The Creator of Daylight Savings Time
Dear William Willett,
Where the hell did my hour go? It's nice having more sunlight later in the day, but at what cost? Two to three AM is when I'm most productive.
When I found out DST was invented so you, some crackpot Brit, could golf in the evening hours, I got upset. Then when I found out you passed it off as a way to save energy, I threw up a little in my mouth. But when I heard you spent much of your life promoting something that robs innocent people of an hour's sleep once a year, I decided to write a letter. Mr. William Willett, I want my hour back, thank you.
There is no evidence to support that it saves energy. Sure, it helps some businesses like convenience stores and, of course, your beloved GOLF, but it hurts farmers because workers end up leaving earlier in the day. Hard working American farmers, you heartless aristocrat.
I can't help but wonder what you've done with all the hours you've stolen. If you have the ability to steal time, Mr. Willett, I'm sure you have other tricks up your sleeve. I bet you're in some alternate world, golfing all day and laughing at American farmers. And at this point there's no doubt your days last something like 57 hours.
You supposedly died in 1915, but every bone in my body believes you and your hours are alive and well. I want my hours back. I'm 26 years old, so I figure you owe me just over a day. Do you hear me? An entire day, you swindler! I'm a reasonable man, so I'll make sure I devote each hour to the plans I originally had for them.
Not that you care, but this would be my itinerary:
Hour 1: sleep, cry for a diaper changing
Hour 2: sleep
Hour 3: lie in bed, keep an eye out for the monster lurking in my closet
Hours 4-9: sleep
Hour 10: start to question the validity of daylight savings time
Hour 11: play two games of Tecmo Super Bowl as the Kansas City Chiefs at Chris Briggs' house
Hour 12: sleep
Hour 13: vividly dream I am a tiger being hunted by poachers wanting to give my paws as a gift to the Habsburg Empire
Hour 14: eat Oreos while watching Psycho for the first time
Hours 15-16: sleep
Hours 17-19: (can't remember, probably sleep)
Hour 20: stay at party a little longer, still not talk to cute girl
Hour 21: stay at party a little longer, still not talk to cute girl
Hours 22-24: sleep
Hour 25: thank the time police for not springing us forward earlier than usual
Hour 26: breathe easy knowing it didn't go from 1:59 am to 3:00
Sounds like a full day, doesn't it? Maybe it doesn't to William "Time-hoarder" Willett, but it does to this hard-working American. Wait a second - don't we set our clocks back in the fall? Forget all that stuff I said about DST. Thanks for the evening sunlight, Mr. Willett.